Thursday, May 20, 2010
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Shattered,
:
I have been thankful for every single one of you for the past 6 months, thankful to God for all the strength that all of you have given me and much more. But today, I found out that most of it was a lie. I can't believe I was that naive from the start. The Bible always said, do unto others what you want others to do unto you. Based on that I remodeled my entire life, only to lose all faith in it now. I can't believe what I found out today, I am disappointed, utterly disappointed that I have no wish to talk anymore. I felt in a way betrayed, I regarded you as a very close friend, and let you in on my heart, but in the end, I am left with nothing, nothing but disappointment.
The first day I stepped into TB25 I questioned myself whether it was a right choice to switch over, 6 months later my answer was yes, another 2 months have passed and I have discovered it is not as perfect as it seems. Why, why was I so blind? So blind that I wasn't able to see what was going on around me. Everything was not as simple as I thought, only after what Twin have told me today did I know how blinded I was. My twin said that I would hate you guys after I have found out, that I would be better off not knowing. Be careful what you wish for, that's what they always said.
I don't know what to do now, I wish I had never found out. At least it'd spared me the disappointment and the aches I am feeling now. You gave me strength when I was at my lowest, and out of gratefulness I opened up to you, in the end, I wished I had never let you in, I allowed myself to grow closer to you although from the start I had only rearded you as a friend and nothing else. I can't believe you'd actually think I had something for you and all, and even tried to get away from me. Well I'm sorry if I was too nice to you, I try to be as nice as I possibly can to everyone around me, tried to be that light in everyone's darkest night. But in the end, that's not how everyone treated me, I was taken for granted. Nevertheless, I have no one to blame but myself.
Myself, for being so blind.
And regarding why my twin stepped down, only now I know that there's more to it than it meets the eye, but twin I love you and I'll support you no matter what. And I don't blame you at all for whatever that has happened tonight.
Back to my love life, today when you told me you and him couldn't see eye to eye sometimes and that you guys had miscommunications and misunderstandings and not really on talking terms, I didn't know whether to feel happy or sad? Why happy, from a suitor's point of view that you guys aren't going well and that I might stand a chance. And why sad? Cause I like you and I just want you to be happy, and when all of this happened you must be feeling down. And I end up asking myself, is this that sign from God which I had asked for?
Whtever it is, I am totally not in the mood to even blog tonight.
But one thing's for sure, tonight I am going to bed with a whole lot of questions unanswered, and hoping to find the answer to them.
11:32 PM
